Hello listeners! This is Scarpa Lela with a new episode too explosive to keep corked: today we’ll take a break from our usual special report to interview Mahshid – Piebald Protector of the notorious Questionable Company. She’s half-drow; she’s got daddy issues; she’s magma-hot – and so is this sexclusive interview! That’s right: today, only on Eternal Voice, Mahshid shares all her juiciest secrets – you won’t find this in MAGMA Magazine!
Unfortunately for her fans, we can’t offer a visual at this time, but I can tell you that Mahshid is looking hot and bothered. What’s the matter, Mahshid? Don’t tell me you’re nervous?
MAHSHID: That was a pretty sensational introduction.
SCARPA: For a sensational guest.
MAHSHID: I don’t have daddy issues.
SCARPA: Mahshid, by now you should know that I do my research: you were orphaned by your father; rescued from enslavement and raised by Arshad, longstanding head of Piruz’s guard; he even picked your first boyfriend – isn’t that right? I don’t often mistake facts.
MAHSHID: I am not nearly drunk enough for this.
SCARPA: Probably not – from what I’ve heard you can keep up with the hardiest of drinkers. So let’s use that as a segue and get this interview started: aside from several tankards of Hippatia Hops, what else gets you in the mood?
SCARPA: Take your time.
MAHSHID: …I guess I like a challenge. As a girl I was obsessed with Dangar the Dangerful – who wasn’t, right? – I used to go to all of his parades, and even wrote him a couple of embarrassing letters. Sad, right? Now I just pick out the roughest customers at the bar – whoever’s talking biggest – and take them out back. Maybe we’ll fight, maybe we’ll fuck… it’s good for me either way.
SCARPA: Eloquently put. So you’re into conquests – but I don’t imagine that’s how things started for you. Why don’t you tell our listeners about your first time?
MAHSHID: Thoth’s Thighs. Are you serious? Ra’s Rod. Fuck. Well, you were right: Arshad picked my first boyfriend and… he made a good choice. He does stuff right sometimes (love you dad!). This guy was the son of Arshad’s friend – a human, total babe, way tall, deep voice. He’s still in Alam and probably embarrassed as fuck right now, so I’ll just say that he was great.
SCARPA: Things didn’t work out with this mystery man? You didn’t fall in love?
MAHSHID: I thought this interview was about sex?
SCARPA: Touché – I guess we’ll allow you this one secret – but instead tell us about your best time, and don’t spare any details!
MAHSHID: Well aside from… my first… the best was a lot more recent, with an orc I met at the Frowning Dolphin. I’d been drinking with a few friends when the dares started happening, and someone pointed out this mountain of an orc, all green-brown, in a chair the size of a thimble and holding a tankard as big as a bathtub. Arms as thick as my whole body. Someone bet me that I couldn’t beat this monster in an arm wrestle, which obviously I took offense to. I made a deal with the orc – on the sly – that if I won an arm wrestle, we’d have sex. She agreed and… she was seriously fabulous in the sack. Turned into a win-win situation for me.
SCARPA: Wow – sly indeed! But I guess your friends know your secret now. Speaking of things that are fabulous in the sack: we all know you can cast a handful of spells. Have you ever used magic in the bedroom?
MAHSHID: Ha! I mean, magical darkness’d come in handy if I was in the habit of sleeping with trolls…
SCARPA: Is that a no?
MAHSHID: Not exactly? But the details are vague.
SCARPA: You were drunk?
MAHSHID: I’m not a fucking alcoholic – and I’m not a magicker either, and that’s why the details are vague. Sekhmet! I went home with this guy and his wife – girlfriend? – anyway, they were both wizards or sorcerers or something. We had some wine, they showed me this kinda sex-dungeon they had in their basement. Bit creepy, but I was pretty sure it was mostly for show – lots of hokey-looking pentagrams, chains, candles, the works, you know. Maybe I was possessed or something, because I woke up at home the next day, feeling great.
SCARPA: You don’t remember anything?
MAHSHID: Not clearly enough to retell.
SCARPA: Moving on, then: you’re obviously not much of a prude, nor very afraid of new experiences. Tell our listeners about a sexual experience that did make you hesitate.
MAHSHID: What, aside from the wizards? I mean… maybe this’ll surprise some people, but I can be pretty awkward when it comes to… real intimacy, and I’ve always hated questions about my appearance. Usually really original: “Hey baby, are you piebald all over?” “What’s your tattoo mean?” “What happened to your ear?” Like, should I ask how come your balls are so small or why you’re so short? Are we gonna fuck or play Twenty Questions?
SCARPA: Well put – although for now we’re still playing Twenty Questions – and I’ve only got one left!
MAHSHID: Thank Thoth.
SCARPA: I’m sure our listeners will agree that you’re a fine piece of Piebald Pie -
SCARPA: – but there are plenty of hotcakes in Alam – including our own Queen Hippatia (forgive my boldness, Majesty, but it’s for the people!). We’ve seen one of your party – Majd of the B’heist – kiss the Queen, and I wonder if you would do the same, given the opportunity? What do you think of her? Would you define her as a challenge? A conquest, even?
SCARPA: No comment?
MAHSHID: Um. Well, obviously Her Majesty is immensely beautiful, and I’ve been in awe of her since I was a girl. But it’s unwise to go swimming with crocodiles, right? What Majd did was foolhardy and… although I and many others may have been envious of her in that moment, I know I’m not at a level where I can fuck people whose faces are on monuments.
SCARPA: But you’d like to?
MAHSHID: There are a lot of things I’d do to the Queen of Alam.
SCARPA: That’s a fitting end! Great interview, Mahshid! I’m sure our listeners are thrilled to have learned a little more about their hero, and listeners, if you have questions for Mahshid, send us a message via Eternal Voice’s retailers! Regular coverage of events in Questionable Company will resume next week! Forever in the presence of piebald prettiness, this is Scarpa Lela, signing off.