Rise of the Dreamer


or, Pleasures of the Piebald Protector

Hello listeners! This is Scarpa Lela with a new episode too explosive to keep corked: today we’ll take a break from our usual special report to interview Mahshid – Piebald Protector of the notorious Questionable Company. She’s half-drow; she’s got daddy issues; she’s magma-hot – and so is this sexclusive interview! That’s right: today, only on Eternal Voice, Mahshid shares all her juiciest secrets – you won’t find this in MAGMA Magazine!

Unfortunately for her fans, we can’t offer a visual at this time, but I can tell you that Mahshid is looking hot and bothered. What’s the matter, Mahshid? Don’t tell me you’re nervous?

MAHSHID: That was a pretty sensational introduction.

SCARPA: For a sensational guest.

MAHSHID: I don’t have daddy issues.

SCARPA: Mahshid, by now you should know that I do my research: you were orphaned by your father; rescued from enslavement and raised by Arshad, longstanding head of Piruz’s guard; he even picked your first boyfriend – isn’t that right? I don’t often mistake facts.

MAHSHID: I am not nearly drunk enough for this.

SCARPA: Probably not – from what I’ve heard you can keep up with the hardiest of drinkers. So let’s use that as a segue and get this interview started: aside from several tankards of Hippatia Hops, what else gets you in the mood?


SCARPA: Take your time.

MAHSHID: …I guess I like a challenge. As a girl I was obsessed with Dangar the Dangerful – who wasn’t, right? – I used to go to all of his parades, and even wrote him a couple of embarrassing letters. Sad, right? Now I just pick out the roughest customers at the bar – whoever’s talking biggest – and take them out back. Maybe we’ll fight, maybe we’ll fuck… it’s good for me either way.

SCARPA: Eloquently put. So you’re into conquests – but I don’t imagine that’s how things started for you. Why don’t you tell our listeners about your first time?

MAHSHID: Thoth’s Thighs. Are you serious? Ra’s Rod. Fuck. Well, you were right: Arshad picked my first boyfriend and… he made a good choice. He does stuff right sometimes (love you dad!). This guy was the son of Arshad’s friend – a human, total babe, way tall, deep voice. He’s still in Alam and probably embarrassed as fuck right now, so I’ll just say that he was great.

SCARPA: Things didn’t work out with this mystery man? You didn’t fall in love?

MAHSHID: I thought this interview was about sex?

SCARPA: Touché – I guess we’ll allow you this one secret – but instead tell us about your best time, and don’t spare any details!

MAHSHID: Well aside from… my first… the best was a lot more recent, with an orc I met at the Frowning Dolphin. I’d been drinking with a few friends when the dares started happening, and someone pointed out this mountain of an orc, all green-brown, in a chair the size of a thimble and holding a tankard as big as a bathtub. Arms as thick as my whole body. Someone bet me that I couldn’t beat this monster in an arm wrestle, which obviously I took offense to. I made a deal with the orc – on the sly – that if I won an arm wrestle, we’d have sex. She agreed and… she was seriously fabulous in the sack. Turned into a win-win situation for me.

SCARPA: Wow – sly indeed! But I guess your friends know your secret now. Speaking of things that are fabulous in the sack: we all know you can cast a handful of spells. Have you ever used magic in the bedroom?

MAHSHID: Ha! I mean, magical darkness’d come in handy if I was in the habit of sleeping with trolls…

SCARPA: Is that a no?

MAHSHID: Not exactly? But the details are vague.

SCARPA: You were drunk?

MAHSHID: I’m not a fucking alcoholic – and I’m not a magicker either, and that’s why the details are vague. Sekhmet! I went home with this guy and his wife – girlfriend? – anyway, they were both wizards or sorcerers or something. We had some wine, they showed me this kinda sex-dungeon they had in their basement. Bit creepy, but I was pretty sure it was mostly for show – lots of hokey-looking pentagrams, chains, candles, the works, you know. Maybe I was possessed or something, because I woke up at home the next day, feeling great.

SCARPA: You don’t remember anything?

MAHSHID: Not clearly enough to retell.

SCARPA: Moving on, then: you’re obviously not much of a prude, nor very afraid of new experiences. Tell our listeners about a sexual experience that did make you hesitate.

MAHSHID: What, aside from the wizards? I mean… maybe this’ll surprise some people, but I can be pretty awkward when it comes to… real intimacy, and I’ve always hated questions about my appearance. Usually really original: “Hey baby, are you piebald all over?” “What’s your tattoo mean?” “What happened to your ear?” Like, should I ask how come your balls are so small or why you’re so short? Are we gonna fuck or play Twenty Questions?

SCARPA: Well put – although for now we’re still playing Twenty Questions – and I’ve only got one left!

MAHSHID: Thank Thoth.

SCARPA: I’m sure our listeners will agree that you’re a fine piece of Piebald Pie -

MAHSHID: Sekhmet.

SCARPA: – but there are plenty of hotcakes in Alam – including our own Queen Hippatia (forgive my boldness, Majesty, but it’s for the people!). We’ve seen one of your party – Majd of the B’heist – kiss the Queen, and I wonder if you would do the same, given the opportunity? What do you think of her? Would you define her as a challenge? A conquest, even?


SCARPA: No comment?

MAHSHID: Um. Well, obviously Her Majesty is immensely beautiful, and I’ve been in awe of her since I was a girl. But it’s unwise to go swimming with crocodiles, right? What Majd did was foolhardy and… although I and many others may have been envious of her in that moment, I know I’m not at a level where I can fuck people whose faces are on monuments.

SCARPA: But you’d like to?

MAHSHID: There are a lot of things I’d do to the Queen of Alam.

SCARPA: That’s a fitting end! Great interview, Mahshid! I’m sure our listeners are thrilled to have learned a little more about their hero, and listeners, if you have questions for Mahshid, send us a message via Eternal Voice’s retailers! Regular coverage of events in Questionable Company will resume next week! Forever in the presence of piebald prettiness, this is Scarpa Lela, signing off.


ClockworkDinosaur madicienne

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